So its been a while since i posted an update, so ill just kind of breeze through the last 2 months.
-I went to California to see my lovely sister, and to a trans training at USC
-I went to the NCIL conference in DC, and saw many of my lovely and old friends. I missed them so much and I am determined to be more involved in the youth caucus this year
-It was Gastropariesis awareness month and my stomach knew it.
-I have a new GI who i dont particularly like and I dont think likes me (back to that in a sec)
-I went to rochester NY to an ADAPT training for civil disobiendence for disabled ppl
-I went to my cardio and we discussed my dire GI situation. he ordered fluids and a PICC line
-I went to NYC to help my parents pack their apt because theyre moving, and I went to my cousins wedding
-I got a PICC line inserted in my arm
-I was in the hospital for malnutrition and dehydration, it was futile, all they wanted to do was pump me full of reglan
-I went to my RRC orientation and shabbaton
-I got a dog who will be training to be my service dog
Now on to week 1:
The first day we had opening circle where everyone got 1 minute (or 2 in the case of seniors) to say what they did that summer. It was really nice hearing everyone talk about what they did and the possibilities of many things you could do as a rabbi.
After that it was a typical first day, just introduction stuff in all my classes, but i still started to get overwhelmed. As in all grad level courses, we had homework our first day and though some of it was basic (hi modern hebrew!) much of it was hard and I started feeling imposter syndrome again. Basically that i dont deserve to be there and I am not smart enough to be a rabbi. I also had a saline infusion and the nurse was a dude bro Yep.
Tuesday was my birthday and it was really low key. But it was nice. I had class and everyone at school wished me a happy birthday, I got a card from my classmates which was super nice. then my parents took me to dinner which was really nice and they came over to my apartment to see it and see roxie (my dog). As i was with my parents I got an email which almost made me start crying. One of my professors wanted to talk to me about my hebrew vowels.
When I was in 7th grade i was thrown in the deep end of my jewish day school without knowing any hebrew. I knew the letters, but not vowels and i had no grammar or vocabulary. I kind of just faked it till i made it but i lost many things. I never got grammar really, and i never learned hebrew vowels and ive been horrible at reading hebrew ever since.
So when I got that email, I felt like i was super dumb and i had been found out and would never be a rabbi. It was like my worst fear.
The next day was hard. I couldnt stop thinking about it and then i went about reviewing my vowels and retained a little of it. I had also made some flashcards the night before so i went to review them.
It was a full day when my classes started at 8:30 and then after school i had like 4 things. First the guy from my DME came over for my new wheelchair evaluation. My PT had earlier told me that because i dont need special seating like tilt functions and i dont use my wheelchair inside, that I would only qualify for a group 2 chair which is like a Jazzy scooter. No offense to the elderly or pride mobility, but those chairs are POS which are made for elderly people who barely go outside and aren’t regular chair users. I am not this demographic. I dont want that chair i want a quantum Q6 edge. Anyway i asked the guy about this and he said he would get back to me.
Then the vet came over to give roxie some shots and we have her whole vet record straightened out which is a weight off my mind.
Then a nurse came to change my dressing and I think im developing a tegaderm allergy and the dressings they use are weird.
On thursday I got to school early to talk to my advisor and i ended up walking into a class im not registered for, which was boring but ok.
Then i had class and we basically just went over homework and it was still nerve wracking not knowing many of the things we needed to because of the vowels.
I had a really long break between classes so i used it to make a bunch of phone calls and just sit around
I then had my meeting and everyone was so reassuring and nice and made me feel like I wouldnt fall behind and they would really work with me to get this right.
I had modern hebrew and then I just went home and rested. I had gotten my dr to increase my fluids so my medical supplies were dropped off.
Though i had no class on friday im including it for medical info
On friday first roxie’s trainer came over and we evaluated roxie and all her strengths and weaknesses and started to teach her “off” and “focus on me”
Then I had a neurologist appointment. Right before that I had been emailing back and forth with my GI whom im not too fond of. In his emails he became increasingly strident and used phrases like “it’s a free country” and “FYI its only in rare cases” my neuro told me i needed to see someone new, so im doing that. He also signed my forms for para transit which i mailed, and gave me a referral for a repeat flexion and extension MRI which will be done right this time. I love my neuro. If him and my cardio were my only doctors id be perfect.
Then my nurse came over to teach me how to use my new portable pump and it was great until too much air got in my line and i started coughing hard and shivering and i thought i was having a PE but i unplugged and it was all good.
Overall week 1 was good but scary. I’m anxious to reach the 5 year finish line and at the same time i feel like ill never get there. I feel like im less worthy because of mechina (prep year) and i feel like im unprepared to do something as simple as teaching hebrew school.
If you want to find out how that goes, you’ll just have to read next weeks update.