When I was 15 years old, after hearing that my biological father was a cross dresser, I started looking into gender. At first it was just cross dressers and people who were MAAB and femme. But after that, I wanted to know more, and I started looking into the other side, specifically FTMs who were my age. After a few weeks, and a meeting with some people in my area. I came out as FTM. I changed my name to Jesse, started using he/him/his pronouns, and planning for my future with medical transition. I came out to people at my summer camp, my workplace, and my school. My parents didn’t like it very much and kept telling me it was a phase. I was mad because I thought it wasn’t and was sure they were just being mean. After a while as an out trans man, I began to miss certain things about being feminine. I missed sparkles and dresses and makeup. I missed looking pretty and talking in a high voice and feeling sexy in a femme way. I was still using female pronouns to refer to myself, and I still used the women’s bathroom. I asked other transmen about this and they said they used to do it too, sometimes it just takes a while for you to get used to your new self. When I got out of high school I started to learn more about me. I was not like other boys. I was not masculine presenting, I didn’t like sports or cars or finance. I wasn’t good at the technical fields I thought I was. Most of all, I learned that I was romantically interested in masculine people, mostly who were MAAB. This was something that shook my entire foundation. I had been out as a lesbian since I was 10. I had always thought that I only liked girls. But I was finding more and more everyday that it was a lot more skewed toward boys and masculine people than the other way around. That fall I learned about the genderbread person (which has come under fire recently as being appropriated recently), and that I my gender, sexual orientation, AND gender expression were all separate. This made me feel better about my insecurities. I could still be a man, right? Things went on this way for months, until a couple of weeks ago. My roommate asked me to have a talk with him. He said that he noticed that I was uncomfortable with myself. He asked me if still identified as male. At first I said yes, of course, why not? But as he kept questioning me, my bottom lip began to quiver and my voice began to shake. I was so unsure of myself. He asked me what I was. I screamed. I said that I didn’t know. I said that I didn’t want labels, I said that I just wanted to be Emet. He explained that that isn’t the way the world works. He asked me if I might be cis. I said maybe. Between then and now I have been afraid. Been afraid that I was a trans trender, that my last few years were all a lie, that I was a horrible person. I am still afraid. I don’t know who I am. I am afraid to tell anyone about my feelings outside of the Internet. I don’t want my parents to think that transgender people are liars because of me. I am Emet. I have no gender. I have no pronouns. I am a person. A person who is lost. A person who is lonely. A person who only wants. Help me please. Help me to find me.